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The Hazel Tree by Julia Debski

The Hazel Tree

by Julia Debski

Giveaway ends May 01, 2014.

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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Horse Humor

Horse Humor

Question:  How do you make a small fortune in the horse business?
      Answer:  Start with a large one.
Ten Ways To Get In Shape To Own A Horse      
  1. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don’t pick it up right away. Shout “Get off, stupid! Get off!”
  2. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice “Relaxing into the fall.” Roll lithely into a ball, and spring to your feet!
  3. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse/pocket and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
  4. Jog long distances carrying a halter and holding out a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you’re doing. They might as well know now.
  5. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt. And smile as if you are really having fun.
  6. Hone your fibbing skills. “See honey, moving hay bales is fun!” and ” I’m glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won you first place – I’m just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place.”
  7. Practice dialing your chiropractors number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder, and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
  8. Borrow the US Army slogan; “Be all that you can be’…(add) bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled.”
  9. Lie face down in the mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself: “This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience…”
  10. Marry money!
You Know You’re A Horse Person When……your horse gets new shoes more often than you do.
…your mouth waters at the sight of a truck full of hay.
…every time you drive past a road construction sight you think what nice jumps the barricades would make.
…you consider a golf course as a waste of good pasture land.
…your friends no longer ask to get together after school/work or on a weekend because they know you’ll say, “I can’t, I have to ride.”
…you pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,000 pick-up truck.
…you buy duct tape by the case, and carry rolls in your pocketbook, briefcase, backpack, and car trunk.
…you realize finding a horse shoe is truly lucky because you’ve saved ten bucks.
…your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more than you love him and you say: “And your point is..?”
…someone does something nice for you and you pat them on the neck and say ‘good boy’.
…you try to get by someone is a restricted space and instead of saying “excuse me” to him/her, you cluck at them instead.
…you show up for an appointment in your city clothes and when you get there people reach across the table to pick alfalfa out of your hair.
…no one wants to ride in your car because they’ll get sweet feed and hay in their socks and on their clothes…but that’s ok because you’ll have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them anyway!
…you look at all the piles of laundry sitting next to your washing machine and most of them are breeches, horse blankets, saddle pads, etc…. but you don’t even care about the horsey hair residue that will be left in your washer and dryer.
…you say “whoa” to the dog.
…your mother, who has no grandchildren, gets cards addressed to Grandma, signed by the horses and dogs.
…you see the vet more than your child’s pediatrician.
…you groom your horse daily for hours and you haven’t seen a beautician since…?
…someone asks for a screwdriver and you hand them a hoof pick.
…you clean tack after every ride but you never, ever, wash the truck.
…on rainy days, you organize the tack room, not the house.
…you can remember worming schedules, lessons, and farrier visits in your head, but often forget your class schedule, household chores, and meals.
…you are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift.
…you stop channel surfing at Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.
…books and movies are ruined for you if horsemanship references aren’t correct.
…you actually get to a point where flies don’t bother you that much anymore.

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