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The Hazel Tree by Julia Debski

The Hazel Tree

by Julia Debski

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Monday, February 21, 2011

The Grave Realization... PART 4

So here comes one of the hardest things for me. Expressing what I'm trying to say. Bear with thoughts can be very unorganized...

I am saying that I am unhappy with my life. I am upset, aggravated and frustrated with my situation. My environment, some of the people I socialize with (not all) etc...

Looking back it did start about a month and a half ago, just as the horses's problems began. School began to go south. Work, grades and drama began to turn the school environment I once enjoyed into an unpleasant obstacle in my day. Pressure about college and the future began to build and I became confused on what my future held. I became upset with home. Not really the people. Well not with Mom. I became especially upset with my brother so I ignored him more. But just home in general...The situation with Raspberry (It Knows Who It Is) appeared and developed. I began to become frustrated with the stables for no apparent reason. It was no longer a sanctuary.  I became frustrated with the slow pace the horses were going at too. I even tried to change my hair color in order to improve my life. Even the new Savvy Times aggravated me.

What happened, in simple words is that my horses began to mirror me. They showed on the outside the destruction and abuse I had on the inside of me. The ironic thing is that I was unaware of this the entire time. I just thought my horses were reacting to something completely different. I never thought the problem was me. 
Like Kara said "It is a terrible thing, being frustrated, and creates a whole downward cycle of... pain." This explains  the pain in my jaw and throat. 

The way I see it is that what could have happened to me happened to my horses instead as they mirrored my emotions. Maybe if I didn't have horses my physical state would decline and weak. Maybe I would become explosive at the littlest things. Maybe I would physically try and run away. Maybe I would become distant and catatonic.

Now all you older and "wiser" adults must be saying this is a mood swing. Silly teenage girl. Your hormones are acting up. Don't cause such a scene. 
If you are one of the people saying that, then know you have personally offended me. Don't you think I know the difference? I know the difference between when my hormones have a tendency of being more elevated than usual and when I am sincerely unhappy with my life. 
Plus I am very good at not letting issues at home or school affecting me at the stables. This time it is so different. I didn't even know these emotions had slipped through and hidden, only to affect my horses. 

Today I must have severely decreased again because everything got worse with Sharlie and Casper. Several things happened today. I was upset because the pain returned. I was upset because I once again realized how far away June & camp with Kara is again. The situation with Raspberry has declined farther. And then the spiraling situation with Sharlie and Casper.

When someone like me has come to the grave realization that I am terribly upset with my life, my situation...I can't help but think of what life means and how I'm living it. If I were to die tomorrow, what could I say I've done? A barely started novel, 2 horses with almost as many problems now as they started out with. Not-so-great school grades. Not many real friends. Maybe even a family who could thrive without my burden. 

I'm crying now only because I feel so terribly guilty for knowing that I am lucky. I am lucky to have Sharlie and Casper and to have a friend like Kara. Yet I feel so...frustrated at this life. 

I do admire Kara. She can easily let go of any concept of time and be so close to the horse and so much like the horse. ( I swear I've seen her lick her lips as she is reading the Savvy Times) I find it fascinating how when we first met she was Level 1 with Cherish and I was starting out with Casper and Level 2/3, and now I am constantly asking her for advice.

Whenever I am there, at her house or with her, I can find that feeling when you lose track of time and just not care. It is such a peaceful state to be in and you can understand the horse's view on life so much easier.

When I am at the stables, or at home, or in school, everything is on a schedule, timed, monitored, micromanaged. Now you all will think I am throwing a temper tantrum. "Sometimes you have to do what you're told" etc..etc...
How am I supposed to live in the moment and enjoy that moment (self presence) when everything has to be planned out? Every second of every day has to be planned out. 

Sometimes I think that June is much too far away. Sometimes I really with I didn't have to go to school. To be home schooled. Be able to go out to Mercy with NO time limits. Forget time. But I can't, even if I wanted to. Its just because that's how Mercy is. Its how it will always be. 

Maybe it has to do with the difference between 'normal' and 'natural'. Lessons with 'normals' are set to 1 hour exactly. My lesson with Kara sort of just...happened. It ended up being 2 hours but we didn't plan it to be that way. At a 'normal' barn such as Mercy, time is constantly an element to be kept up with. "Julia you have one hour at Mercy." That is a time limit and prohibits me from practicing to my full ability.

I have even considered myself selfish and rude for wanting to spend more time at Kara's house. For wanting to come with my horses to her utopia. June is so far away...

See, going to her place or being with and around her is the only thing I can think of that would make me happy again. But it would only be temporary.

Some people would think this is a stupid dilemma. Just go back to what you were doing before. What I was doing before was bringing me down to where I am now. You can't just snap your fingers and be happy again once u realize that you can't really enjoy being with your horses anymore. (Don't get me wrong, I still love them with all my heart, but i just dont...enjoy being with them as much at the moment) Thats how serious this is.
I can't just change my attitude and Sharlie gets better. It doesnt work that way.

How do I break out a spinning downward spiral covered in spikes?

I find it terribly ironic how I am lying here crying and nobody comes to see whatever is the matter. Or even how I have changed in attitude these last few weeks and nobody has noticed.

I think ive said what I need to say...for now at least. I need to talk to Kara...
June...please hurry...


  1. Julia, this comes from one of the older/wiser set. Your feelings are absolutely valid. Anyone who would dismiss them as less is insensitive. I don't really know you except from Facebook and that you're a fellow PNH student, so I hope you forgive the intrusion but I feel moved to try to offer something.

    Your pain is visible. I wish I knew what to say.

    From what I'm reading, and from a hindsight perspective, it sounds like you're on the verge of a huge life transition--graduating high school, taking on more responsibilities, trying to figure out who and what you want to be in this life.

    That's heavy stuff. Everything you're experiencing makes sense. It's scary, and overwhelming. I hear you say you're frustrated and upset with everything. It's understandable.

    I hope this will at least encourage you--it has been my experience that when I start feeling the overwhelm and the aggravation, it's the prelude to a breakthrough. I tend to become fractious much like my horse just before I turn the corner. I don't know if this is what you're going through--I kind of hope it is, because that means light on the other side.

    There's only one way out of a downward spiral: first, you have to recognize that you're in one; then you have to find someone who will really listen to you, honor your feelings, and guide you back to a better emotional space.

    And know one thing--if you were to die tomorrow, people would be devastated. We take each other for granted when we don't mean to. You have gifts and talents that the world needs to experience. You need to be here to see how it all plays out.

    Just hang on and take it one step at a time--there is always a good way out and something good up ahead, sometimes it takes a little while to find the way there.


  2. I am so excited that you are going to be reading The Tao Of Equus, I think that book is going to help you so much.

    I would also suggest yoga.... or meditation with a mantra that you can focus and lean on.

    I know where you are in this situation and as Jeanne pointed out above, it is valid. But you are RIGHT- your horses KNOW how you are feeling, and yes they are mirroring you. SO, once you are able to "fix" yourself, it will happen with the horses.

    that being said... where to start? How? If will come, in weird ways and when you least expect it, but it will happen. focus on the good in life, and seriously... get a mantra.


    love you