Let me describe my Saturday to you.
I woke up after having my cats try and lure me back into sleep. I pulled onto a hoodie that Mom bought especially for the farm. I glanced in the mirror and I was struck with a deja-vue. I can have flashes or dreams of the future. The book the Tao of Equus helps explain it. I had a flash of myself in a similar hoodie (navy with a Tennessee Titans logo on it), taller, with a little longer hair. An instructor. A riding instructor.
Interesting...
We had to go down to the stables because the vet was coming to see Sharlie. The day before Sharlie's eye turned red. Mom thought it wasn't good.
I on the contrary had faith. I thought the blood vessels had finally reached the spot on her eye and were getting rid of it. What the vet said was a good thing. Her eye had been clear for weeks now. Surely it was something good.
So we went down to go get Sharlie so the vet could look at the eye. Susan realized that several horses coggins were due, including Casper's. First was Sharlie though.
Turned out its NOT good news.
The blood vessels had swelled (is that the right word?) and it could be an absess and it could be cured or it wasnt and the eye had to be removed. LOVELY!
Luckily I am getting pretty talented at hiding my emotions around the vets nowadays. I can just nod and smile. Make jokes. Nobody sees the emotions tearing me apart on the inside. But hey. Nobody really cares so oh well.
To add fuel to the fire, it turns out that no, Casper is not 6 or 7, but more like 20! That really hit me hard.
Must have been a nightmare.
Saturday passed...
Sunday passed (today)
And now its past 11 pm and I've been crying for about 45 minutes. It hit me. Sharlie could lose her eye. Her eye is BAD. Terrible. Horrific. And there is nothing I could do to help.
It hit me like a stack of bricks in the face. Casper is 20. Not 7. 20. 2 decades of a mystery life, 2 decades of probably misery. I can't make up for that. I can't get him to forgive me for all those people's sins. I can try and have him forgive me for the last few people...But not for 20 years worth of people.
Its all slipping away again. I wish I could see Kara again but I have to wait to see her for the Kathy Baar clinic. 2 weeks away.
Its slipping again. I don't want it to. I was happy. I was ever so happy. But its slipping, and I can't catch it.
Jules,
ReplyDeleteI am never the one who saves you, I am never the one who brings you back to happiness. I simply am already in a place of happiness, so you seem to follow.
If Sharlie loses her eye, at least she has not lost her leg, and at least she has not lost what she has in you. If Casper is 20, then so be it... because there is nothing you can do to change that. Challenges and set backs do come up, but you cannot give up- instead come up with ways to move around, conquer, and warp them to your wantings. Challenges never clear. Happiness and peace of mind is simply accepting them and knowing that every step is something to enjoy.
Smiles,
Kara