A Spot of Ink and Story: To Be Forgiven

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

To Be Forgiven

A few years ago, over the summer I attempted to join up with Casper (who at the time was Little Britches) in an attempt to prove my worthiness and to try and reach out the the conservative pony. There was very little progress in either way. He would go on, around and around, for almost an hour before finally giving some signals of wanting to stop. Even the best he would do was just stop and look at my turned back. He would not...or perhaps could not... come in and meet me in the middle.

After a time I learned more and more about Casper's horsenality and just more about Natural Horsemanship in general. I realized that by attempting to join up with him I had made a mistake. I began hating myself for what I did. The experience with joining up in the round pen had only added to Casper's fear and resentment of the round pen.

Another thing on the lists which he didn't understand what was wanted of him.

One of my 'things' with Casper is forgiveness. I hope and work toward Casper forgiving me for the sins done by myself and others before me.

Casper forgiving me for that terrible summer was on the list.

Recently Mom was encouraging me to try again. Finally, on Saturday, I decided I would try. I had to admit our relationship wwas much stronger than before and he was practically a different horse now compared to before.

So I gave it a try. At first he panicked. So I took off a lot of the pressure, asking him to just stay in the trot. After several laps I began to worry that it had been a mistake. He was still tense, panicky. Maybe I should just quit before the damage is too severe.

That was when he began to relax and settle into a slow trot. He didn't lower his head or chew the air, but he had his ear fixed on me and he blew out severa times.

I turned away from him and listened carefully to the slowing of hooves. Then there was silence. He wasn't walking. He wasn't eating. He was just standing there, on the edge again.

"He is looking at you." Mom whispered.

   So that is it I thought in despair. A horse who can't join me in the middle. Not that I didn't love him any less. If anything, I loved him more. He was about to add another question to the list of mysteries titled "Casper's Questions."

   I was about to turn to reward him for trying when I heard the quiet thudding of hooves on dirt approaching. I stayed perfectly still. Barely even breathing.

   Then he nudged my shoulder. I turned and hugged him affectionately. I almost cried I was so happy.

   I could see in his eyes that he had forgiven me. If he had even needed to forgive me in the first place. More importantly, I forgave myself.